Just like always

Dear Mom,
You were right. You were always right about everything. I remember when we went to go look for prom dresses, and I was dead-set on one I saw in a magazine, and you picked one out that I thought was just awful. “Humor me,” you said, and so I put it on for you. And it was perfect. You were right. Like always.

Adrian proposed to me Thursday night. I thought it was so funny how you collected all the wedding invitations you were receiving over the several months you were in the hospital, and we would sit on your bed and look at all of them, discussing colors and fonts, and styles. “Do you like this one?” you’d ask, and I replied, “Ugh! I want this to be mine!” You’d laugh…”Soon enough. Just wait.” He’ll do it soon. Between your birthday and Valentine’s Day, but probably closer to Christmas. Just wait.” Of course, you were right again, just like you are about nearly everything. I couldn’t help but think of you when he was asking me, bent on one knee and looking up at me with his big smile. I think of you all the time. You are always on my mind, no matter what it is I’m doing.

We are less than a week away from Christmas. I like not having a Christmas tree this year. Some people think it’s sad that we haven’t put one up, but I think the less stimulation in the house, the better. Neutral is the way to go this year, and maybe for a while until things feel somewhat normal again. I have been getting a lot of Christmas cards from people, and so many of them have their phone numbers scrawled inside. “Call me so we can get together and talk.” Things like that. I’m not sure if people realize that I am a lot better off than they seem to think. I suppose I appreciate their sympathy and concern, especially around the holidays, but I will always miss you and be sad in my heart and dwelling on it will not bring you back. I do not want to think about you in the ICU or how you were so scared, and “talking” about it with people won’t change anything.

I would like to remember you, instead, listening to my music and dancing in the car and then gasping in surprise when you would hear a bad word. And I would laugh at you. “I didn’t write the song, mom!” You were so prim and proper. I thought you were so cute. You will never understand what I thought of you. I liked going to weddings with you and when we would dance together, or when we would get a laughing jag somewhere and laugh for hours about everything, even if it really wasn’t that funny to anyone else. I liked teaching you slang and I especially liked hearing you say it at the most unexpected times. And I liked how you would be so proud of yourself afterwards. There were so many little things I loved about you. I was telling my best friend tonight about how you barfed all night long after eating mexican a couple years ago. My ears were trained to be able to hear you walk from your bed to the bathroom, since I had to get used to it when you had breast cancer and were sick from chemotherapy. I could tell where you were in the hallway by the creaks in the floorboards. That night, I heard you get up and go into the bathroom, and when I realized you were sick, I got up to check on you. You were crying, knelt down by the toilet, and I asked you what was wrong. “I’m never gonna eat that shit again,” you sobbed. And then you started to giggle, and before too long, both of us were hysterically laughing together at one o’clock in the morning in our bathroom.

Little things make my heart hurt, like going to the grocery store. When I was little, I hated going to the grocery store with you because it took so long. But as I got older, I loved to go absolutely everywhere with you and help you in any way I could. I loved walking with my arm around you or patting your butt, and you got so embarrassed! You were just so cute, I couldn’t keep my hands off of you. I did feel bad sometimes, but for the most part, I never thought anything of it. But I know you loved it, even if you never admitted it! I think that it is sad when mothers and daughters do not touch and love like we did, even if it was somewhere stupid like the frozen foods isle. So what? I just liked you so much. In fact, that is what I miss the most about you. Not being able to touch you. Now, whenever your picture pops up on my desktop slideshow, I touch your nose with my finger and make a goofy noise. “Boop!” I miss picking on you and harassing you and embarrassing you in the grocery store and making you laugh. I just want to pinch your cheeks and pet your head. Ugh-I can’t get over the ridiculous amount of love that still lingers inside me, like you’re sitting here next to me.

But you’re not.

I don’t like it. Not at all. I hope you liked watching Adrian and I get engaged, I know you were watching. I like that you can see everything and that you are always there. I like that a lot. I really do wish you could be here for all the hustle and bustle and planning and especially at the wedding when you get to see me in my wedding dress. I know that you will be there, but not in the way that I wish you could be. That damn infection. I just don’t understand why you had to leave me so early. But you will be there. I will try really hard to remember that. You will be there as my precious angelface.

I am doing my best to watch over everyone the way you always did, especially your sisters. They have always meant so much to me, you knew that. I like to keep tabs on them and make sure they are doing alright. I know Christmas will be hard for them. They were all excited to hear about the engagement, and I think helping to plan a wedding will be a good distraction for Aunt Janny, and also for me too. It’s very encouraging to have something to look forward to, since everything else feels so up in the air now.

I know that things will fall into place eventually. But it’s very stressful to still be waiting after so long. I am not even sure I’m going in the right direction anymore. What I wouldn’t give to have you here to guide me and encourage me like you always did. Nothing from anyone means as much as it always did from you. No matter what the issue or worry was, you could erase it with just a few words. I could definitely use some of them now. I want you back in my life so much. But I know that is unrealistic, so I’m trying to think of how I can still have you here with me, so to speak. I have ideas for how I’ll keep your memory alive at my wedding and when I get a house and can decorate it. I want to have something specifically just for you so you feel really special and tremendously loved. And it will feel like you are here, even if I can’t see you or touch you. Or pinch your butt in the grocery store.

Just so you know, you were my best friend. I’m pretty sure you knew that. And you were right. Like always.