Something really interesting has occurred to me tonight and I want to write about it because it is one o'clock in the morning and I hoped to be sleeping nearly two hours ago, and if I don't get it out I will think about it all night long, making another sleepless night for me. For the 350th odd night in a row...
I, and my family, have been dealing with all of this stuff for literally (gasp) an entire year. You see, today is Christmas Eve of 2009, with only about one week left in this awful year. January of 2009, Aunt Polly was put on hospice. March 2009, my mom was diagnosed with leukemia. April of 2009, Aunt Polly finally died from cancer. Summer of 2009, we began the search for a bone marrow transplant for mom and by September she was in the Cleveland Clinic beginning extensive chemo because they found a "perfect match." October 8, 2009, she died. October 11th was her birthday. October 12th was her funeral. November 5th was my 24th birthday. This Christmas will be the first of many more Christmases without her.
She is not here to see my engagement. She will not be here to watch me graduate, get a job, move out, and be on my own. She will not be there when I search for wedding dresses. She will not be there to pick out the ugliest one on the hanger that just happens to be the perfect one once I try it on. She will not get to help pick out flowers or invitations or music or decorations. She is gone. I still don't understand why. I guess I never will. But she is gone, and not understanding doesn't change it. She always said that now would be "the most exciting time of my life." This feels like nothing more than a slap in the face these days. No matter how good things are, they will never fully be as good as they could be. She was such a big, magical part of everything. Things do not feel the same anymore without her in my life.
I realized how many awful things have happened this year when I was laying in bed watching a movie. I have a headache. I always have a headache. This is not an exaggeration. My head always hurts. And I am always so tired. This imaginary light bulb went on over my head. Ding! No wonder I feel the way I feel. The recap of 2009 is enough to make anyone shudder. And to make things a little trickier, I am in a Master's in Science program and a full-time internship. I now marvel at the fact that I am still alive. How have I not had a coronary or an embolism or a stroke of some kind? The body is an amazing thing to be able to endure so much. All the times I heard people say, "You're such a rock, you know that?" or "If that were me I'd be dead by now." I just laughed to myself, they can do this too. I'm sure of it. "Julia, you're such an inspiration." Whatever. Don't we all deal with the situation at hand? I will never back out of something or turn my back on something because that's the easy way to do things. I think it's odd that people actually act like this is surprising.
What I really do think is surprising, however, is how it never occurred to me that the reason I have headaches all the time or the reason I'm tired all the time or why I can barely run without passing out now or why I have weird pains in my stomach is some type of medical problem when all it really is is a heart problem. Not that kind of a heart problem. The other kind. Simply-it is broken. It has been broken since January. And instead of giving it the chance to heal, it was further tortured and smashed with nearly every month that has passed since.
No wonder I feel the way I do. My body just can't take it anymore.
2010 cannot come any faster if it tried. If there is such a thing as karma, me and everyone one of my family members will win the lottery.
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You already have hit the Lottery! You just can't see the forest for the trees!! You are richer than most people in your world! Being an outsider looking in, I can see some of the riches that you have and I, unlike others, do not really know you. You just need to embrace all that was gifted to you instead of all that was taken from you. Easier said than done I realize but it must be done in order to get out of our own personal darkness(hell) and starting living one of Sunshine/Warmth(heaven) a place you know your Mother and Aunt reside. Your riches go beyond far more than any monetary value! You have (not past tense) the love of a mother and aunt that sooo many people cry and long for. What a blessing! Some live their whole life and never have it, many with tortured lives and twisted love. A love they will never know! And you are one of the chosen few to be graced with this gift! Their legacy & this gift lives on in you! You have since been able to build a personal bond or closeness with others, a relationship you may not of had wih out these tragedies. You have this unsermountable amount of knowledge and experience to be used for the good of others. This is going to sound even crazier...But there is a blessing behind every trial or suffering. It maybe for your purpose as well as for others. I don't mean to seem as if I have all the answers becauseI have had my own personal hell at times and have been stuck in the forest, dark, cold and alone. But when I am able to quite my mind, concentrate on my blessings. Ask what is the purpose(direction)and appreciate the haves instead of the have nots I am able to find the clearing and the sunshine for me to get out. Your grief is owed to you. There is no shame and is not a sign of weekness. It shows the love and the strength behind it! A love so few have enjoyed! A love so many take forgranted! Your mom and your aunt were not taken from you. Not even God would do that! They are and will continue to be there today and every day. Yes, they do have a different address and a new purpose and direction. Your mom had taught and showed you a life of unselfishness. I know that much about her through our talks. You would not want someone holding you back from accompishing something you knew you had to do. Would you? But you would still stay in contact and not hold a grudge for their resistance while understanding their hurt and fear.She has another purpose. Probably someones Gaurdian Angel. She probably requested you!! That would be just like her! That would explain all the times you can sense her, smell her, and reminence on all the memories! She is there, enjoy her company and hear her guidance along with her laughter! Take the positives and then learn from the negatives then throw them in the trash! Like a road map...once you get from point A to point B you no longer need the one for point A anymore. You need to get the one for point C. Point A map is no longer useful and we usually learn a better route the second time should we need to go back.
ReplyDeleteSo...Here's to 2010! May you hit the Blessing lottery again! We could all use more blessings in our lives! Merry "Christ"mas to you and all our love ones in this world and Heaven! Concentrate on the "Gift"(s)and enjoy! May they multiply!
Carol Maney