Merry Christmas from Heaven

It is two days after Christmas, and today, for the first time in a long time, I picked up the phone to call my mom. It occurred to me that I hadn't talked to her in a while and reached in my purse to find it, then reality set in. It didn't hurt as bad this time. In fact, each time that happens, it hurts less and less. Which, really, is all I can ask for at this point.

Christmas was very nice, and I spent it with my family and friends, and I enjoyed it so much. Christmas eve was busy, and I helped my aunt Janny get things ready for her special dinner, and I spent the night. Because many of the babies in my family missed out on getting to know aunt Polly, my aunts had these special bears made out of some of her old Jiminy Cricket shirts. They were very special, and I helped her wrap them. Giving them to the babies and watching them open their gifts, even though now they don't realize how special they are, was amazing to watch and it really was so wonderful. After our big family get-together, we went back to aunt Janny's house and had our own Christmas exchange, and it was so much different than I expected it to be.

Usually what happens on Christmas eve is my mom's side of the family gets together at someone's house. We have a huge meal and unwrap our presents and sit around for hours and have tons of fun. Because things are so different this year with both my aunt Polly and my mom gone, some of us were not into the big get-together. Mainly me and my aunt Janny. But that is ok, because everyone has to deal with things like this in their own way, and this is what we chose to do. We did partake in the family get-together but only for about an hour, just to give the babies the special aunt Polly bears. Then, my fiance and I went back to aunt Janny's house and we all exchanged our presents with each other and we had a very quiet night together. We wanted things low-key this year.

I am an only child, and typically, I will admit, I am very spoiled on Christmas. I think my mom just could not help herself and always bought me presents like I was five. I'm not kidding. I always thought it was so funny how she'd tell me that this year was going to be "different" and that she didn't go "all out" like she did the year before. Of course, I thought that was ok, seeing as I'm in my twenties and do not go crazy over Christmas like a little kid does...and every year the family room would be filled with presents. Tons of presents. This, actually, is almost embarrassing to say. But she spoiled me to death on Christmas. This year, my aunts felt the need to take over this role, and before I knew it, I was surrounded by presents, sitting on aunt Janny's living room floor. I had a gift for Adrian and a gift for her, and I felt so embarrassed that I did not reciprocate in any way to the monumental amount of gifts they got me. And I cried. Like a child. I knew what was going on, and I just felt so sad. The presents were from my aunt Janny but also from my aunt Becky and aunt Rita, too. They were trying to take over for mom. I cried a lot. In fact, just thinking about it and trying to describe it makes me cry again. I just thought everything was going to be low-key, and it wasn't at all what I pictured and it really caught me off-guard. We all took turns opening presents, and so many of mine were so special that I continued to cry all night long. Needless to say, I will not even have to have a bridal shower...Adrian and I are set when it comes to our future kitchen.

Side note: Food is my life. I'm getting a Masters in Nutrition and Dietetics and think very seriously every year about going to culinary school. I watch Top Chef, the Food Network, and regularly search for new recipes and cookbooks just for fun. There is nothing more fun to me than making pasta by hand for hours...I love food. Love it.

They showered me with all things culinary and fabulous. And I loved it. And I cried.

One of the last things I opened was a tall box and the tag said, "To: Julia. From: Angelface." If you remember from a previous post, I often refer to my mom as Angelface, especially since I love that picture of her so much with her funny angel wings on. I knew right away whatever was in this box was going to push me over the edge. Wow, was I right.

I took the lid off and removed the sparkly, red tissue paper and I saw the top of a bear. And I recognized the fabric almost immediately. My mom's robe. They had a bear made for me out of her robe. It is the robe she always wore when she walked up and down the halls of the hospital to get her daily exercise and the robe she wore the morning my aunt Polly died. It is a very light robin's egg blue and has embroidered flowers on both sides. The bear's face and chest are lined with these flowers, and it even kind of smells like her. I cried so much my mascara ran down my face and I was afraid to touch her in case I got mascara all over her. I wiped my hands off and pulled her out of her box and hugged her like she was real. Aunt Janny was crying too, and she said, "You can add her to your nest."

"My nest" is my bed that is now filled with my mom's clothes. Her Tinkerbell sweatshirts and some of her nightgowns, ball caps, and t-shirts. And now my bear. I just love it. How special.

Another thing I got was an ornament that said, "Merry Christmas from Heaven." My aunt Rita got these for a bunch of us since aunt Polly and mom are gone this year. It came with a poem that I really liked, also called "Merry Christmas from Heaven," by John William Mooney, Jr.

I still hear the songs
I still see the lights
I still feel your love on cold wintry nights

I still share your hopes
and all of your cares
I'll even remind you
to please say your prayers

I just want to tell you
you still make me proud
You stand head and shoulders
above all the crowd

Keep trying each moment
to stay in His grace
I came here before you
to help set your place

you don't have to be
perfect all of the time
He forgives you the slip
If you continue the climb

To my family and friends
please be thankful today
I'm still close beside you
In a new special way

I love you all dearly
now don't shed a tear
Cause I'm spending my
Christmas with Jesus this year.

I really like the part about going to Heaven early to set up a place. I don't like that she's gone. But she is. And I like that she got there before me so she can come get me when I'm ready. I hope that is not for a very long time and that I get to do all the things she wanted me to do and all the things she didn't get to do herself. But I will be so happy to see her again when that time comes.

Christmas was bittersweet this year. I tried my best to stay brave and happy for everyone, and it wasn't too hard because that's really how I felt. It didn't need to be forced. I try to be really strong for her so she knows I'm mostly ok without her. I don't want her to feel bad that she's gone. I want her to enjoy Heaven and not worry about me very much. Even though I worry about her all the time. I hope that doesn't bother her.

Not everyone will understand this last part, and really, it is only for one person in particular, but I hope that everyone is aware that these posts are in no way to be used as ammunition against others. If you feel the need to read them and share them with others, I hope you do it in a way that is of the utmost respect so my words are not twisted or misconstrued. Drama is everywhere we turn these days, and with the pressure and stress I and my family have been under, no extra is needed. So, I request, with all do respect, that if you are reading this purely out of nosiness rather than care and curiosity, do not spread my words around to mean something they do not. Mind your own business. Be respectful. Thank you.