Only mom knows why

Yesterday was the one year anniversary of my mom's death. I can't believe it has been a year since I touched her or hugged her or laughed with her. One year since we talked. One year since "I love you."

It feels like she died only weeks ago. I am so surprised.

I did my best to not anticipate how I would feel. I didn't want to jinx myself in case I was meant to have a good day. And I didn't want to have a self-fulfilling prophecy, where if I thought I would have a bad day, I would. I just wanted wake up and see what happened.

Everything was alright. I woke up knowing what day it was and I gave myself a couple minutes to assess how I felt before I got out of bed. Alright. I went through my daily routine of getting ready and driving to work. Still alright. My day at work was non-eventful...so much, in fact, that I left early because I finished everything and wanted to enjoy the sunshine.

What I was anticipating, however, was my time to meet Karyssa and her family. I was very nervous and wasn't sure how I would react. Seeing someone on the vent is so scary, and for me, that person was my mom. I can still remember the smells and the sounds, her eyes covered with tape and the tubes down her throat. I didn't want to see such a young girl, or anyone for that matter, in the same condition.

But she was beautiful. Despite some facial fractures, her face was as perfect as the morning I first saw it. To look at her, you would never know the ordeal she went through. She does not have tubes down her throat, but she has a trache, which is a little uncomfortable to see but not as bad as I anticipated. She moves her hands and her eyes, although she is not awake yet.

But she will be. I just know it.

I feel so positive for her, and I have such faith in her strength and her ability to overcome this. I haven't felt this way in a very long time, probably from the second my mom was diagnosed.

I can't understand it, and I can't explain it, but I just know she will be ok.

Her family was lovely, and so so so welcoming, and they reminded me of my family. So much, in fact, that I was a little shocked. Most families are not like mine, and that is sad to me. Knowing how we interact with each other, and knowing how others tell us we're lucky to have each other and they wish their families acted like us, it's almost rare to find another like ours. But I did. They all seem to be very close and happy and so hopeful for Karyssa. I was so happy to see this and couldn't help but feel how odd it was too. Meeting Karyssa on the anniversary of my mom's death. Meeting another family just like ours. Knowing how rare it is, and seeing it all come together like this. I am baffled at how things are turning out.

Walking in to her room, I didn't feel nervous or upset or like I would cry. I knew my mom was with me, and I knew there was a reason I needed to go and see her. I don't know what that reason is, but I am waiting to see where this all goes. It really is very odd how things turn out, whether we understand them or not.

I felt brave today. And happy. And proud. And at ease. Things I have rarely felt this last year. I am not sure if my mom was keeping me strong for Karyssa, or if Karyssa was keeping me strong for my mom. Either way, I have two amazing women keeping me going. One I love very much, who knows me inside and out...the other, a perfect stranger, thrown into my life from someone else's poor judgment, for whatever reason.

Who knows how I would have felt yesterday if it hadn't been for this accident, and for this new-found hope, and for Karyssa. I can't begin to imagine, and I'm glad I don't have to. Maybe this is the reason. Perhaps our lives, mine, Karyss'a, Melinda's, are supposed to intertwine somehow. I am not sure. But I am interested to see where it takes us.

For now, I am happy and thankful to have made it through yesterday with a strength I did not expect and one I never knew I had. I have several people to thank for that, some I can see, and some I can't. I can't help but feel that my mom is somehow involved in this, knowing how empty I would have felt otherwise. Although it is extremely unclear, we all somehow intersect. Maybe only she knows why.

The well-oiled machine meets

Dear Mom,
Today was amazing and I want nothing more than to be able to tell you about it. I am sure that you have been watching what has been going on down here, with the accident and the young boy and girl who were hurt and how I have been dealing with it. I don't know if you realize this, but tonight is the anniversary of learning you were going to die, starting with them taking you to ICU. I can't believe it has been a year, a year since I last talked to you. I am completely amazed by that, and the way my life is unfolding now.

The young girl in the accident, Karyssa, as I'm sure you know, has really changed my faith. I am aware she's in critical condition and that things can always change, but for now, she is out of ICU and starting to slowly improve. It is a miracle, and for once in nearly a year, I believe good things can happen again. I have such faith in her that she will be ok and that things in general will be ok.

Today I met Melinda. We met at Starbucks for coffee. I'm sure you were watching down on us that morning, watching us work together to help try and hold Karyssa on this Earth. She was slipping fast, and we both knew it and there was nothing else to do but help. Neither one of us thought twice about it, and I know that my strength came from you. I wasn't sure if I could do it. I also wondered if you were there, waiting to take her. Or helping her stay here. Were you there?

I thought I felt you. Which side were you on?

I am sure, knowing you, that you have felt my turmoil and my anger and my fear through this event, and I am positive you have done whatever you can to help. I hope you put a good word in for Karyssa. It seems to be working.

As I have said before, Melinda is a complete angel and she has done something I am sure most people would not have the courage to ever do in their whole lives. There is not a stronger expression of love for people than sacrificing your health and safety to take in someone else's blood into your body in the attempt to save a life. Not even knowing if it might work. She is a hero and an angel, and I think more people should be like her. The world really would be a better place.

She is hurting right now, and I hope that you take some time to offer some love and support. She deserves it, and even though she, nor I, can see you, I have felt you many times when I have needed you and maybe she will too. See what you can do.

Tonight, we talked as though we were good friends, like we just knew each other. An instant "click." I think this definitely reflects in our efforts that morning, working like a "well-oiled machine," as I mentioned in an earlier post. I am wondering what will come of this tragedy and I'm starting to feel as though the positives far outweigh the negatives.

I have had such a hard time finding something to believe in, and for the first time in a long time, I believe. I believe in so many things right now. Karyssa is the reason for this, and I am so thankful to have her in my life.

And, the most exciting part, is that I get to meet her on Friday. She is still in a coma, but she is getting better and I can't wait to tell her that I believe in her and how much she has helped me. On your anniversary.

Isn't this bizarre how it's turning out?

I still think about you non-stop and so many things remind me of you. I am a little nervous to see Karyssa but I know that you will be behind me all the way. I am simply amazed at the way this is all unfolding, and I am wondering if you have had a hand in it. You know I never really believed in the whole "everything happens for a reason" idea. I do not see a reason why you died, or why Aunt Polly died, or why things ended up the way they did. But maybe, just maybe, there is a reason for all of this: why I was at that accident, and why Melinda was at the accident too. The first step has been made to figure out all of this, and it started tonight when Melinda and I met. The next step will be Friday, when I get to meet Karyssa and her parents.

I am interested in seeing where this goes and I have a feeling you are playing a big part in it. Thank you. Did you see how low I was getting? Did you see I needed rescuing? I am sure you did--you're my mom, and no one knows me better. Thank you for sending me this opportunity, I am doing my best to learn from it and I am continuing to work to be a better person. I love you. I miss you. You are my angel, and I see your love even though we are apart.