Dog Days Are Over

It's been so long since I've written anything so I know I am most likely writing this to me, myself, and I...which is ok with me. Today is October 8th, 2012. It marks the 3 year anniversary of the day my mother took her last breath on this earth. With having had to live through many life events without her including my wedding, my graduation from grad school, buying a house, and my first job as well as countless birthdays, Christmases, and Thanksgivings, I have learned not to anticipate a day like today. It only makes it worse, like one of those self-fulfilling prophecies. I tend to try to keep things positive and not jinx myself if I can help it.

My sleep pattern has been off lately, and I never thought much of it until this morning around 5:00 am when I was wide awake in bed, scared straight from a horrible nightmare. I don't know if I was more frustrated with my lack of sleep or the fact that my brain can conjure up such intense images. My dream consisted of people I love dying in horrific ways, over and over again, until I finally forced myself to open my eyes to make it stop. Laying there frustrated, I realized what today was. I tried to roll back over and go to sleep with no success.

Under such intense stress after my Aunt Polly died April 24th up until the day my mom died, I had tons of nightmares that kept me from sleep, and it was explained to me that depression and grief can manifest itself into dreams when our awake minds won't let us process what is happening in our lives. Totally makes sense for a a period of my life like that, but I am sad, and embarrassed to admit that I feel weak that this still haunts me like it does.

I have come so far but it's almost as if my brain won't let me let it go. I feel like I go 2 steps forward and 3 steps back.

Last week, I woke up in the middle of the night, out of the blue, in the middle of a panic attack bad enough I had to take my xanax. I was completely floored by this and never put it together that I was anticipating today.  During holidays or my birthday, I begin to act funny--less sleep, more anxiety, scary dreams. It all makes sense when I really take the time to put it together.

My friend and I were discussing the loss of my mom one day, and he told me, "You really need to learn to let this go." It was so insulting to me. Although he never knew me before I lost my mom, I thought he had understood how far I have come and the progress I have made from so long ago when it first happened. I got defensive. "I've let a lot of it go," I told him. But really, there was no sense in arguing my point as he clearly couldn't understand, not having known me beforehand and not being inside my head and heart now.

Without having the control I thought I had over my own emotions and grief, today has shocked me to the core. Our subconscious is a powerful thing, much more than you or I could ever imagine. It just goes to show you that when you think you're ready to handle the day, you crash and burn the hardest.

I'm not sure if this is a cruel joke or a wake-up call. Either way, it blows.

I cried here and there, looking at pictures of her or thinking of how much I missed her, but I was able to keep it together. I would give up everything I have for one more day with her to make sure she knows how much I loved and respected her. How happy she made me and how wonderful of a person I thought she was. Part of me really believes she knew that but I still would love to tell her one more time. I try to be like her in all ways.

Today on my way home from work, I was listening to a mix CD with "angry" music as I like to call it. Just to shake things up, at the end of the CD are a couple of "Florence and the Machine" songs. My very favorite song of hers, "Dog Days Are Over," came on. Immediately, my eyes filled with tears and my heart felt so happy.

"Happiness, it hurt like a train on a track
Coming towards her, stuck still no turning back
She hid around corners and she hid under beds
She killed it with kisses and from it she fled
With every bubble she sank with a drink
And washed it away down the kitchen sink

The dog days are over
The dog days are done
The horses are coming
So you better run

Run fast for your mother and fast for your father
Run for your children for your sisters and brothers
Leave all your love and your longing behind you
Can't carry love with you if you want to survive

The dog days are over
The dog days are done
Can you hear the horses
'Cause here they come


And I never wanted anything from you
Except everything you had
And what was left after that too, oh.

Happiness hit her like a bullet in the back
Struck from a great height
By someone who should know better than that

The dog days are over
The dog days are done
Can you hear the horses
'Cause here they come

Run fast for your mother and fast for your father
Run for your children for your sisters and brothers
Leave all your love and your loving behind you
Can't carry it with you if you want to survive

The dog days are over
The dog days are done
Can you hear the horses
'Cause here they come"

Even though it's my favorite song, I never focused so much on the words. Running away from all of your baggage and sadness. Feeling happiness and freedom and no longer being afraid to run away from what keeps you down. Moving on is so hard and things will work against us, but we must continue to try and want more from what we are given. 

It's like someone shook me and said, "Even though you've been through a pile of shit, things WILL get better."  I love this song even more than I did before. 

My brain and my heart are clearly in a battle to win. Can't they both win? I need to learn the balance between being able to process this loss and still keep her happy memory alive. Either way, I know that 3 years is still a bit too early to learn this lesson, but I hope to be there some day and be at peace with what comes my way. Because things can only get better.