I am who I am because of you...Happy Mother's Day

Dear Mom,

Today is Mother's Day. I have been dreading this day since last month, and oddly enough, when I first woke up, I was ok with it. But after getting on Facebook to check a couple messages and reading so many dedications to so many mothers, I couldn't help but feel slightly empty...and definitely deprived of something so precious. You. Here, with me, like last year and all the years before.

I have only had two dreams about you and I don't know why. I think about you almost on a constant basis and I wish so much that I could at least see you in my dreams. I like when I have them, even if they scare me or make me sad. That's ok. I miss seeing your face every day of my life, and sometimes, it is so empty without you. Especially today.

I tried to go shopping for graduation by myself, the first big event I will not have you here for. I was really struggling and felt awful about myself that day. Nothing looked right, nothing fit right, everything was wrong. I found a dress I liked but knew it needed something else. In the jewelry section, I definitely found something else--Marilyn. She helped me feel good. She assured me I would look beautiful and that you would be proud of me. Did you send her?

I think you did. Thank you.

Maybe I'm a fool for believing that. Maybe I'm not. But, regardless of what anyone else thinks, I believe it. And I think it is amazing how far your love can stretch. I have always known that you would do anything for me, and I have understood that from a very young age. I have always realized your love and your strength and how badly you wanted to have me. I always knew, and you never had to remind me although I know you liked to every now and then. I always knew, Mom.

Did you know how lucky I felt to have you in my life?

I am not sure, still, after seven months, why this has happened. I do not understand why you were taken from me or why we were no longer meant to be together. And now, there is so much that you will miss.

My final exam of graduate school is Tuesday. My graduation is Saturday. I am not going because it would not feel right. It already doesn't feel right. My graduation party with our family is Saturday night. Adrian and I are getting married soon. And you will not be there, for anything. Everyone says you will "still be there," but to me, without you by my side these events are not whole for me. They are just days. I'm going to try to do my best to make the most out of them for you and for everyone coming to celebrate with me. I will try really hard for you because I know how important these days would have been for us.

Regardless of the fact that you are not here with me any longer, I do believe that you know what is going on in my life and that you are still proud and still happy to be my mom, just like I am still proud and happy to be your daughter. Maybe more now than ever, after I watched you fight harder than you ever knew you could. And even though you are not here to read this message, I still want to deliver it:

I am so thankful to have had you in my life for 23 years, and I am so sorry that the last six months of your life were so hard and so frightening--you did not deserve that. Believe me, although you struggled through your treatments, I struggled far more watching you suffer. And I am still struggling. But you are not, and that is more than I could ever ask for. I am 24 now, and I have lived seven months without you, and now more than I ever, I see how you have impacted my life. With all of the decisions I have had to make and all of the strength I have needed to make them, your logic and thoughtfulness and strength were with me the whole time, and I could not ask for more than to still have your love and guidance surrounding me. You were the most amazing person in my life and my love for you could not be contained and still cannot be. I love you more than I could ever put into words.

You are my love, my strength, my hope, my conscience, my guide, my mother, and now, my angel. Thank you for all you have done for me. I am who I am because of you.

PLEASE READ THIS: Gifts from a stranger

I could NOT wait to get home and share this story. I am having a graduation party next weekend with my family and close friends for my Master's, and so I was at Target picking out a dress to wear. I found a very plain teal dress that I loved, and I was in the jewelry section trying to find something to match. I was putting necklaces around the hanger and holding them up together to try and get a better idea of what the ensemble would look like, and a lady, probably in her late fifties walked past me and said, "That looks nice together!" I turned around to look at her. She was your standard loving mother/aunt/grandma type of woman with gray hair and nice eyes. She was smiling, and she was wearing black Keds with Tweety-Bird on them! She was so cute, and although I am usually uncomfortable when talking to a stranger, I let myself go with her.

"You think so?" I asked. She began to point out all of the colors of jewelry that would go nicely with my dress, and each one she picked up she placed around the hanger and stepped back so I could see them together. We did this for about ten minutes, and she began asking me about myself and what the occasion was. Typically, I would be a little alarmed by a stranger doing this, but not her. I told her about my graduation and my party and how I wanted to look really pretty that night. She was very happy to hear about my accomplishment and patted me on the back, "Well you must be so proud of yourself! You should get a matching bracelet too!" I laughed at how cute she was and we began trying to find the perfect bracelet for my dress.

The conversation went something like this...
Woman: Don't you just love it when a stranger talks your ear off and helps you pick out jewelry??
Me: Actually, I do! I think this is fun.
Woman: I do too!

She picked up a color of jewelry I would never have paired with my dress, and she held it up and stepped back and it was just perfect. My mom used to do things like that...pick up things I wouldn't like at first glance and never consider, and somehow, it always worked. The woman looked at the pair together and gasped.

Woman: Well isn't that pretty together? It's amazing how much a different color can change the whole outfit! I think you would look darling in this.
Me: I love that, it's perfect...

I began to choke up, and I can't really even explain why. I thought it was so nice of her and so lovely of her to help me and talk with me as if she knew me for years. It was nice to know that I would look nice on my special night and that it was confirmed by a stranger simply looking at jewelry with me. She was so warm and loving to me, and she didn't know me from a ham sandwich.

Woman: Oh, don't cry, honey. You should be so proud of yourself!
Me: I am, I am. My mom died in October. She had leukemia. And sometimes I really miss her, especially when I'm trying to pick out this kind of thing. Thank you so much, you're so nice.

The woman began to tear up and I could see that I was making her upset.

Woman: Well, I don't have any daughters, so this is good for me too. I'm really enjoying this. What's your name?
Me: Julia.
Woman: Well, Julia, I'm Marilyn, and your mother would be very proud of you and you should know that. And you will look beautiful at your party.

I cried even harder. I thanked her again, and we took one final look at my outfit and then she walked with me through the store a little longer. We said our goodbyes, and for some reason, I kept crying, although I'm not sure why. She was a lovely person.

I wanted to share this story because it has warmed my heart to meet such a wonderful person in our world, when sometimes, unfortunately, it seems as though they are few and far between. I will not hold back that I wished I would have exchanged numbers, because I would love to take her out to dinner since she helped me so much and made me feel so good about myself. It meant the world to me, and I wish more people would do this type of thing for each other.

You never know who you will reach out to and how you will touch them. She was so warm and really touched my heart in a way I have not felt in a long time-in a motherly sort of way.

I will not forget this day or this lovely woman, Marilyn.

A good day

From my recent posts I think it's pretty clear that I have been missing my mom a lot. I have noticed that as the time passes since her death, the "missing" becomes transformed into different degrees and manifests in different manners.

I love watching "Say Yes to the Dress" on TLC, and lately it has been really touching my heart, as so many of the wedding dress appointments are young women and their mothers. They always talk about how this day is something they've always dreamed about and how important it is for the two of them to be together on such a special occasion. I usually cry when I hear these types of comments, but instead of being angry and resentful at these girls who are able to have their moms with them, like I would have felt several months ago, I am happy for them and wish so badly I could be in the same position. There is no more anger. Just questions and lots of "missing" going on.

I have had my second dream about my mom, finally. I think it's odd that I do not dream about her or my Aunt Polly very often. Saturday night, I had to go to bed early so I would feel good for work Sunday morning. Of course, with my sleeping issues I'm still having, I ended up falling asleep around one in the morning. I had a dream that mom and I were in my old middle school, and I was pushing her in a wheel chair and she had on her favorite white ball cap. She had just had chemo and was sick, vomiting and crying and such. It broke my heart. I just pushed her around in her wheel chair until she would feel sick again, and that was how most of the dream went. It felt like hours. Then, I took her over to the gymnasium, and I knew that I was dropping her off and would not see her again. I think it's so weird how your brain can process things in your sleep. I knew she was going to be gone forever once I left her there. She was able to stand up from her wheel chair and we hugged really hard and both of us were sobbing and holding on to each other, knowing we wouldn't see each other again.

You know how when a dream scares you, you can make yourself wake up? I did that. I'm not sure why, since my dream was more sad than scary, but I forced myself awake. It was four in the morning. I laid there for a long time, and cried quietly, careful to not wake Adrian sleeping next to me. I tossed and turned until about six, and then just got up since I knew it was hopeless to go back to sleep.

I decided to go to work a little early and get a jump start on my day. I made sure to eat healthy and take the stairs to try to keep myself happy and focused and energized. I was having such a wonderful day, even when I had to cover several patients in the ICU. This was the first time I had ever entered an ICU since mom died, and I was pleasantly surprised at how well I was able to focus and do my job the best I knew how. Other than being made fun of by a stupid resident who didn't agree that a vented patient needed to be fed after three days without nutrition of any kind (!!!), it was a good experience. I will not be afraid to go into the ICU the next time I work.

Near the end of my day, I was taking the stairs when I heard someone hysterically sobbing. It was so loud I thought she was in the stair well, but I couldn't find her. Near the fourth floor, I realized she was in the hallway right outside the stairs and decided to see if I could help or do anything for her. She was a woman about my age with dark, curly hair and gray eyes, and she was crying so hard her mascara was running down both of her cheeks. I walked up to her and asked if she was ok. She told me that her grandma had just passed away unexpectedly, that she wasn't even sick. The woman was shaking. She was so heartbreaking, and I teared up and put my arms out to see if I could give her a hug. She walked right into my arms and we both cried for a couple minutes together. I know this sounds odd to hug a complete stranger, but in a moment where all you want is comfort, I have no problem offering it....or receiving it. Even though I was crying with her, I felt some relief from it. I asked if I could get anything for her or her family, who was also standing near by in the next hallway. She declined but thanked me for asking. I told her again how sorry I was and that I knew it was a difficult time for her.

As I walked away from her, I began to cry a lot harder and felt so much sadness for her and her family and also for myself. I stood in the stairwell and cried for a few minutes, then collected myself and moved on to finish the rest of my work day.

Oddly enough, I left work that day feeling like I had accomplished so much and somehow felt lighter and like I had left some things behind me. It was a good day.