I just won the Nobel Peace Prize

I cannot pinpoint exactly why I am so bothered today, or even why I have been so bothered for the past several days. But I am. I think even more so now than when my mom actually died. But not in the same way as the first initial shock and sadness, now it's a hollow emptiness leaving me feel somewhat down-trodden and often times quiet and hopeless. I go through this roller coaster of good and bad, and the hills of the roller coaster seem to be more and more extreme. Among failed job attempts, still being stuck in school, the realization that I can no longer touch my mom or talk to her, and now being so rocked and heartbroken at the news of another cancer death in the community or spotlight, I am often left feeling terribly sad for myself and for our world. I dyed my hair the darkest brown, without actually taking the plunge into black. I call it "a reflection of my mood." This is somewhat emo and melancholy, but nevertheless is how I feel, and I am embracing it. A little dose of reality never hurt anyone, I suppose. Reality sucks, sometimes.

This morning I read an article that Stefanie Spielman, the wife of an amazing Ohio State All American football player Chris Spielman, who is also an alumni of my high school, reached a point in her fight against breast cancer where she is now "terminal." My heart sank to my stomach. I don't even know this woman.

Last night, I attended the calling hours for the father of my friend, who passed away from colon cancer at only age 49. They were held in the same funeral home as my mom's, in the same room. How odd to be on the other end of things, just only a month after I was standing in the same spot. The place was packed, because he was the county engineer. My friends and I went to pay our respects and to support our friend, and we waited in a pretty long line. I am glad they have so much love and support during this time. The family was incredibly close and so loving, with the two parents and five children, three girls and two boys. I couldn't help but feel terribly sad for them, the youngest was very young still, too young to lose a parent. My heart was so broken for them, and it reminded me of how heartbroken I still was for myself.

I went through the receiving line, introducing myself and expressing my sympathy, and when I got to the children, I just completely lost it. The look in the boys' eyes tore at my heart, and as I told them about my mom passing and that I would do anything to help them, I began to cry, and then I felt even worse for crying in front of them when I was supposed to be offering them support. I reached out to my friend and cried and cried and although we don't know each other well, I told her to let me know if she needed anything at all, any of the family. I know I can't do much, but I can sit with them and drink tea and cry and listen, which sometimes is more helpful and comforting than formal grief groups and things of that nature. They are, after all, now members of this awful club, that leave us empty but connected in a way that no one else understands. Watching someone die of cancer, knowing that a disease is taking over their entire body and killing them piece by piece, slowly and miserably, watching helplessly until they take their last breath...that is truly an experience that separates us from others. I would do anything for them, just as others reached out to me.

When my friends and I regrouped (we all were crying by the time we hit the end of the line, his wife), we got in my car and drove to one of the best wallow-and-eat-your-feelings restaurants in our area. It's in the downtown area, a burger restaurant that's been there since the 1950s. The burgers are amazing and only a couple bucks, like a good burger should be. The best milkshakes, the best fries. We couldn't wait! The boy that cleaned off the booth didn't even wipe up the bench seats, which were covered in grease and crumbs...so I grabbed a few napkins and leaned over to wipe up the bench. I, unknowingly, leaned out my leg to balance myself and brushed one of the waitresses. I felt so terrible, I reached out my arm behind her to steady her, if she needed it, and said, "Oh my gosh, I'm so sorry. Are you alright?!" She looked up at me and just glared, didn't respond, didn't talk, nothing, and looked away. I just stood there, and I'm surprised with the mood I was in last night that I didn't just unload on her. I lightly brushed her, apologized, felt terrible, asked if she was alright....what else could I have done? And all she could do was just glare at me? I, for the life of me, will never understand why people in the service industry do not know how to offer service. Long story short, I felt like a huge, stupid jerk, and of course she was then our waitress. I have to admit, her attitude towards us put a damper on my night. "Are you guys ready to order yet?" she asked in such a snobby tone, and I just wanted to shed some light on the situation and give her a dose of reality.

"Listen, I understand that you are stressed and trying to wait on all of these tables by yourself because I noticed the other girl that's 'helping' isn't actually doing anything, but what you need to understand is you're not the only one who's having a bad night. My mom just died of an infection from a bone marrow transplant, not even the actual cancer itself. I can't find a job. I've been in school for six years and am so done with it. My friends and I just stood in line for a half an hour to see our friend who just lost her father to cancer as well. And all we wanted was to come and eat until we felt sick and wallow in all of the terrible feelings we've been dealing with for the past month, and unfortunately my leg brushed against yours as I was attempting to clean up the table that your bus boy couldn't manage and you didn't even have the courtesy or decency to respond to my apology. If you're that miserable in your job that you can't even treat someone with respect and the courtesy they deserve, then get out, because plenty of people would kill to even have a job like this. You have no idea what other people are going through, and I guarantee you that I would trade a dead mother for your 'rough' night at work."

But I didn't. I ordered my food without even looking at her, so afraid that she was going to spit in it before she placed it in front of me. But then I saw her go behind the soda fountain and rip someone apart, and all of the sudden realized that a girl that feels the need to belittle people during a oh-so-tough-night-at-work-rampage really isn't worth my worry or time. Not in the least bit. I immediately calmed down and enjoyed my night with my friends. I can't even believe I let myself get so upset over such a person with no common courtesy for anyone else.

This lesson is hard to learn, to not let others bring you even lower than you already are. With all the struggles and tears and anger in my life, it is completely useless to let a girl who obviously is the only one in the world having a bad night make me angry. What a waste of my time. But I have slowly been learning this lesson over the past month, who matters in my life and who doesn't, who is worth my time to get angry over and who isn't. Unfortunately, at such a critical time for me, I have had to deal with these types of decisions, which I think is completely cruel and selfish to inflict this type of conflict on someone, or onto a family, that just lost someone so dear. While it is often heartbreaking to realize the true colors of people and to understand that they are all that mattered to themselves in the end, it is enlightening and something we must take in stride in order to protect ourselves and move on. There are a few people that are no longer in my life, and after some reflection and realization, that is now OK with me. It wasn't always, but it is now. I hope they come out on the other side as solid with their decisions as I am.

In my car after the calling hours, on our way to dinner, my best friend, who still was crying in the back seat, said something so profound to me and my other friend. "You know what's so weird is that you look at other people in their cars, laughing and talking and acting as if nothing is wrong, but really, they have no idea what other people are going through right at this very moment." Really, it's not like these people are doing anything wrong by not knowing what others are going through, that's not what she meant, but just that it is so weird that we were all sad and crying in my car for a family that just lost the love of their lives, while the people in the car next to us had no idea. People just go on with their lives, unknowingly, and are completely unaware of the hurt and sadness someone else is feeling. Oddly enough, the next person you see at the grocery store or at the gas station or sitting next to you at a red light could be that broken person. And here's my question: Why do people behave like the girl at the restaurant, like the only one on Earth struggling to have a good night? If we all recognized that people are broken, or struggling to overcome a loss, or that they just need a little TLC, would we still treat each other like the waitress did?

My thought is, probably not. If we all considered other people before ourselves and treated each other with a little common decency and respect, would anyone treat others poorly? Here's my idea: Take yourself back to the lowest point in your life, when you felt so terribly sad and distraught and all you wanted was for people to simply just be nice because your heart couldn't possibly take any more. It doesn't matter what it is. Some of us know what it feels like to watch our mother take her last breath. Some of us only know how difficult it is to write a Master's thesis. Whatever it may be, remember that low point, that struggle. Would you want to be treated terribly? No. I think if we all just impose ourselves into other people's situations and try to better understand them and their struggles, we would all be nice to one another. I really don't think this is a hard concept or too much to ask of anyone, because really, if you wouldn't want to be treated like that, you shouldn't treat others like that either. Plain and simple. And voila, we're all nicer to each other=world peace=I just won the Nobel Peace Prize.

I know it's not that simple. But really, I don't understand why it's not that simple.

If anyone actually reads this, I guess my message for today is: Before you treat someone poorly because you are having a bad day, try to consider them and if they're having a bad day too. You never know what other people are struggling with, and if I may so bold as to say, an I-just-lost-my-mother-and-just-went-to-calling-hours-for-someone's-father bad night is much more severe than an I'm-a-waitress-and-I'm-having-a-rough-night-at-work bad night. Think before you speak, remember how terrible you've felt before, and treat others with courtesy. It's not challenging, or even something that requires too much thought. Just. Be. Nice.

My mom and my aunt Polly were really nice. They didn't even seem to have to think about it. So, apparently, it can be done. Let's all give it a try. Can you imagine how much more amazing our world would be?