45 of my biggest fears

My friend and I went to the mall today just for something to do and we went to Victoria's Secret. I literally do not understand what happened but I completely broke down in the store, and it was absolutely mortifying. I have not been to the mall in months and months, and oftentimes, my mom and I would go on a Saturday just to walk around and look at stuff. We didn't really need to be doing anything in particular, we just liked to be together and out and about visiting with each other and away from the house. I really liked these days with her and long before she died, while she was going through chemo, I missed these days the most. Because, sadly, our Saturdays together turned into sitting in the hospital or laying in bed watching Top Chef marathons at home. Today especially, my heart ached as soon as I walked into the store and I missed her so much that I felt like I might die right there among the lace and bows. I am not sure if feeling this way after almost two months is ok. I know that I will be sad forever, but in a different sort of way. It will always linger around my heart, but I really thought this overwhelming, on-the-surface-for-everyone-to-see kind of sadness would have lessened by now. I am sometimes afraid that it will never go away.

I am afraid of tons of things. Last night, a friend and I were talking about things we were afraid of, and for some reason...maybe because of the insomnia...I decided to make a list of things that scare me.

I am afraid of...
1. not being viewed as a good person or a good friend
2. my mom being disappointed in me that I am still so sad
3. the government caring more about money than our safety (especially after I watched the movie Food Inc.)
4. waking up one morning and all of my teeth have fallen out ( I was told by my dentist that this type of fear, especially in dreams, relates to growing up and becoming independent)
5. accidentally breaking my marble candle holder that holds my mom's ashes
6. being smashed by a semi-truck on the highway
7. not being able to see my mom again in Heaven
8. God being mad at me for worrying about and doubting the chance to see her again in Heaven
9. being eaten alive by a bear (or other large, wild beastly thing)
10. blimps (I was recently made fun of for this but I must say: it's a huge balloon with a basket attached to it...I question its control, safety, and flammability)
11. my mom being mad at me for getting another tattoo
12. one of my friends dying from trying to eat those 911 wings
13. not being able to ever work in the Cleveland Clinic Wellness Department
14. not being able to meet Ellen Degeneres just to tell her she makes me smile
15. reliving images from the last 3 days of my mom's life
16. being diagnosed with cancer
17. another of my family members or friends being diagnosed with cancer
18. not getting to eat any of the food from Top Chef
19. knowing that my mom was fully aware of what was happening to her
20. losing the magic on special days like graduation and my wedding because she won't be there
21. my children not knowing how amazingly wonderful and brave and beautiful their grandma Gail was
22. my mom and Aunt Polly not knowing how much I truly loved them and just exactly how much they meant to me
23. being wrongly accused of something (as stupid as a misunderstood character flaw to something as serious as a murder)
24. being separated by my family in some way
25. any of the events from that movie 2012 (I worry about this one a lot)
26. not being a good dietitian and not being useful to anyone
27. finding a bug in my food and realizing I have eaten part of it
28. my shyness being confused for snobiness
29. being bitten by a black widow or brown recluse spider
30. watching someone else die (I'm on numero quatro)
31. having to make the decision to turn off someone's life support (...again)
32. my toenails or fingernails falling off
33. forgetting my mom's face and her beautiful, gentle smile
34. losing my desire to take care of my body
35. getting my shoelaces stuck in my bike pedals and falling over
36. forgetting the sound of my Aunt Polly's laugh and the picture I have in my head of her dancing to Michael Jackson records while we were Spring-cleaning her house
37. being force-fed runny oatmeal
38. hurting someone's feelings
39. never finding a cure for cancer
40. forgetting the words to "Eleanor" by The Turtles (My aunts and mom and I used to sing this together when it would come on the radio as loud as we could)
41. not being able to help someone in my lifetime
42. getting my pant leg stuck in an escalator
43. plummeting to my death in an airplane while trying to visit Croatia, Italy, England, Wales, Poland, and Germany (or ever)
44. being underestimated before being allowed a chance at something
45. regretting the decision to not join the Army

Obviously, I am afraid of a lot of things, some of them stupid but some of them serious, like disappointing my mom or not living up to a promise. I worry about these things more than I should, but this is a trait I got honestly, as my mom and all of my Aunts are worriers without a doubt. The last thing I added to my list of fears was "letting these things stand in my way of living, especially in the memory of those in my life who are living no longer." I don't want to be stopped from doing something because I worry about it too much, especially because not only would my mom and Aunt Polly not let anything stop them from doing something but also because they would be disappointed if I did. One thing is for certain: I will never give up on something simply because I am afraid. This is not how they lived their lives, and I will not allow myself a missed opportunity to enjoy my life. Their time was cut too short on Earth. Who knows how much longer I will live. I could be hit by a bus tomorrow, or I could die peacefully in my sleep when I am 100. Who knows. What I do know, though, is that I do not want to be 99 years and 364 days old worrying about what I didn't do with my time.