Where's the off switch?

It's so odd to feel completely full of hope and be so happy and strong and the next day feel completely and utterly hopeless and tired and scared. And most of all, lost and alone. And angry, and resentful. This is so negative already, I'm not sure it's ok to even post something like this in fear that someone might actually read it. I think about how ridiculous it is that I sit in school all day or work all day or my internship all day while my mom is up in Cleveland dealing with what she's dealing with, almost like it's irresponsible of me. And I worry that other people feel that way about me too. Like I'm "blinded" by school or work, like all I care about is myself. Like I'd rather be busy and away than actually staring this thing down right in its face. This is not the case at all, but I am worried people think that. I do not want to be doing it. Any of it. But I'm trying to please both sides, getting pulled in both directions and on the brink of being stretched too thin.

I do not want to go to work. Luckily, I have a leave of absence but the stress of having to return in a few weeks has already begun to wear on me. Knowing this sense of freedom to spend more time with my mom and my family and on myself is a great pleasure. I don't want that taken away , when things seem so different now and different things are so much more important now. I don't want to go to school. I only want one job as an RD, and I'll be lucky if I get it let alone any job at all in my field. Why would I waste my time in school doing something I'm not happy with for only one, far away, dreamy job when I could be, again, with my mom? It's the same idea--all these things I feel so forced into, so locked into, when all I want to do is be with my mom and be supportive and helpful and by her side. I don't want to waste all of this valuable time. In fact, I'm rather angry about all of this wasted time that I cannot get back that I'm not so sure is worth wasting in the first place. This is all very challenging, and I wonder what really will come out of it?

A job? A degree? So what? Isn't this something I can get later when things aren't so terrible and we're not in the situation we're in now? Am I going to be a stronger person? Will I be more independent? Or will I be more stressed? Always afraid it will come back? More resentful of people that do not worry about this kind of thing, that only worry about what they're wearing to work tomorrow? I'm not sure. And I'm definitely not sure that I even care. All I want is my mom back to normal. And my family back to normal. And my house full again. Full of dishes dirtied by someone other than me, and full of food cooked my someone else, and full of noise from the family room TV, from shows she watches like Brothers and Sisters and Desperate Housewives. Not the eighth episode in a row of the Golden Girls just to fill the house with some type of space and depth. Like it's being occupied by someone else other than me. I'm tired of me and my dishes and my food and the Golden Girls. And the quiet house. And the worry and stress and nonsense that is my life, our lives, these days.

I want my mom. I want normalcy. I want noise in this house that's not mine. I don't want to feel like this anymore. I want to run because I want to run, and I want to paint because I want to paint, not because I don't know what else to fill my day with. How pathetic. Is it possible that despite all of your hard efforts to keep yourself going and keep yourself "normal" that you still might struggle and maybe even crumble? I can't imagine how that's even fair in this life, but anything is possible, I suppose.

I'm doing my best not to let this happen. Sometimes I feel like I won't make it, and I get really overwhelmed with the possibility of not making it. Is that to be expected in this type of situation? I would think that to be unsure of the future, afraid of the future, worried about failures, and occupied with being "so strong" is probably a normal occurrence in a situation like my family's. But I have no idea, really. I wish I did not worry about this kind of stuff. I wish I had an "off" switch.