Cleansing

Today is mom's fourth day at Cleveland Clinic and third day of radiation. We are going day-by-day at this point, and with each afternoon, about 4:00 or so, comes a sigh of relief, "Ah, another day of radiation done. And I didn't barf today." It's a good feeling, both for the patient and the family! Another day done. No barfing. Awesome.

Not like this blog is really about me or anything, but I have started a cleanse. This is really out of my realm, because I typically don't "believe" in them, seeing that your body, especially your colon, is a perfectly well-oiled machine already programmed to "cleanse" the toxins and junk from you. However, with all of the stress, and exhaustion, and constant worry, my body has taken quite a beating, with weight gain, alot of it being water weight (so much, in fact, that I can't even put my rings on!!!), muscle loss, just all around fatigue, which as we all know is a viscous cycle where you continue to get more and more fatigued and more and more heavy! It's terrible, and mostly in part due to stress. Not like anyone is really interested in my personal bodily functions, although I am dietetic student and this basically is the topic of conversation during many a work day...but stress definitely takes its toll on some very important functions, if you catch my drift! So, I've decided to do a cleanse and help myself feel better.

This all started from looking at my face in the mirror the other day. My skin was broken out, I had black circles under my eyes, and my eyebrows were so overgrown...I can't believe I've been walking around like this for so long. It's amazing how something like your mom having cancer can actually cause you to completely forget about yourself, even stupid personal care like plucking your eyebrows! I became more self-aware, and realized how much weight I'd put on in the last several months. And I felt really awful, really bad for myself, actually. Really ashamed that I had treated my body so terribly. So, hopefully this cleanse, along with getting in the habit of running again, will help out. I need to get rid of all the junk in me, and I don't just mean the "stress" junk, physically. Much more. Much much more.

Among running, cleansing, plucking my eyebrows, painting my nails, and goofy things like that to make myself feel "taken care of," I am surrounding myself with meaningful people and doing things that I find calming or exciting. I love to take pictures, and I love to paint. So I've been doing alot of this lately. I also love to write, very much. So this blog, along with updating mom's friends and family on Facebook, I have been able to fulfill my need to write. So, I am trying to cleanse the outside too, trying to maintain a normalcy and rhythm in my life. It's frustrating, but also welcoming to have such a shock, to look at yourself and say, "Oh my gosh, what have I been doing to myself?" (Or not doing to myself?) It's a terrible realization. But maybe just what I needed. Hopefully, in the near future, I can squeeze in some time to start paying attention to myself again, and despite everything that's going on, not feel bad about it.

It's weird to feel guilty about taking time to focus on yourself, though. It's a perfectly natural thing to be slightly vain, and to do things that make yourself feel good, like whiten your teeth or paint your nails. As long as you're doing it for yourself, and not someone else. So this diagnosis, this desperate need for a bone marrow transplant...it really takes the focus, even if it may have been dim, off of you and onto that person. I have put my heart and soul into my mom, or things that are important to my mom, but not so important to me anymore, like school, for example. All I can think about is her, but all she ever stresses is that I need to stay in school. Or stay "normal." I know this is the right thing to do, but all of my focus has been shifted to her, and it's hard to switch it back to myself during such a time. So many things have been a struggle lately. Especially sitting down for 10 minutes, quietly by myself, to paint my nails. To just take care of myself. How ridiculous.

On the other hand, my mom is also being cleansed. Of this terrible disease, of work stress, of house stress. Although, I know now, work and house stress would be much welcomed rather than what she's currently facing. But, so is life. Hopefully, after all of this is over and she is given her new bone marrow, her body will be cleansed of all the disease, and she can grow and become a happier, healthier version of herself. And she can be cleansed of all the bad things in her life. More than just the disease. Much much more.

I am hoping that this "cleanse" lasts much longer than the actual act itself. Meaning, I hope that further down the road, we will still be cleansed. We will be happy, and calm, and free of this type of stress, and able to really just focus on ourselves again, as simple as that may sound. How long do you have to go after a bone marrow transplant before you stop worrying about cancer and chemo and getting sick again? I have no idea. But I hope that we are all on the right track.