A new spin on things

I am sitting in bed wide awake, even though earlier tonight, around 8, I could barely keep my eyes open. I hate that.

This typically would happen on the night before a big test, starting a new internship site, or leaving for an exciting vacation. How odd, though, that I'm anticipating my mom's bone marrow transplant tomorrow. It's still unbelievable to think about, and it's amazing how much things can change in a matter of months. I'm so amazed by this.

Tonight, I got an email from a friend who moved away for a job. She wanted an update on my life, and I had described awaiting the transplant, finishing up my Master's and internship, and taking pre-reqs to get into PA school. Her response: "i can't believe you went from joining the army to PA school! what a difference a year makes!" No kidding.

I wanted to join the Army to be an RD and serve my country and do some work in third-world countries, providing impoverished people with proper nutrition and clean water. I wanted to spend some time traveling and seeing other worlds, to take Adrian since he wanted to travel as well. To do something more than stay in my safe bubble, to challenge myself and push myself further than I've ever been pushed. I wanted to join after I graduate. I graduate in 8 months.

But all of this changed on March 16, when my mom was diagnosed. Obviously, leaving her side isn't an option anymore.

I guess I got what I asked for, huh? "I wanted to push myself further than I've ever been pushed." Right.

It's hard, after so many months of putting on a smile and a brave face for everyone around, to fake it for much longer. Not only has my smile and my brave face worn off, but so has my patience, understanding, concentration, self-concern....so many things, gone. Continuing from my last post...I even lost my drive to take care of myself, which was always so important to me before. So, I am trying a new approach to all of this: What if you were in the Army, Julia?

Now I know, I'm not in the Army...but I wanted to challenge myself, to push myself, and I guess I got it, one way or another. I am juggling a Master's, internship, thesis, sick mother, bone marrow transplant, grief from losing Aunt Polly, and driving back and forth from Cleveland to Canton several times a week. In hindsight, this is nothing when compared to what my mom is experiencing, sitting at the Cleveland Clinic, away from her job, home, family, friends, awaiting a bone marrow transplant from a perfect stranger half-way across the world...nothing, compared to this. But, as I said, I am trying to change my outlook, and while I'm not dealing with what my mom is dealing with, I am still dealing with my life, and things cannot just stop. I have to be strong, I have to be patient, and I have to be kind, like I have always been, although it gets harder and harder each day. I have to continue to work and focus, and I have to keep up my faith and stay positive. I have to take care of myself. I need to take more time, even just a few minutes, to keep myself healthy and to remember that if I am not well, I cannot be well for my mom. And of course, being with her is most important. I have started running, taking vitamins, taking antioxidants, and eating ultra healthy to remain the best I can be. I will not let this ruin me or make me forget what is important to me and what will always be important to me. I won't quit, and I won't fail, because taking care of myself and making sure I'm healthy and happy is what my mom needs right now, what she needs to know to feel comfortable...so she can focus on herself.

I have let myself slip a little the past month or so, and I am done with that. While this outlook won't change overnight, it will, however, continue to improve more and more with each day, and I have already started and have already felt the benefits and adjustments. Just like, after tomorrow, she will become stronger and healthier, more and more with each day, and she will soon feel the benefits as well. I cannot wait for this day to come, when she is feeling great, walking through our front door, back to her home and her family.