I get it

I have such amazing news. The young girl from the motorcycle accident is alive, and I could not be more relieved. As the (very) misinformed police officer told me she had died, my heart completely sank.

Since the loss of my mom, I didn't know it could go any lower.

Monday night, my friend informed me of a discussion forum on the internet regarding the accident, and her parents have posted that she is alive, in serious condition in the ICU, but she is fighting hard. I just couldn't believe it. I am so happy.

I have been told by several people that I was supposed to be witness to this, for one reason or another. My counselor has shared that she thinks I was meant to be involved because I have fought so long and so hard to deny death and its consequences and hurt. I have wanted to put it all aside, the loss of my mom, the emptiness in my heart, so that I could move on "peacefully." But there is no peaceful departure from loss. I am starting to understand this, and I am starting to embrace it.

As I read the details from her parents on the forum, I felt something I can't explain, not even now. Almost like an adrenaline rush of sorts, but combined with hope and faith and happiness.

I can't tell you the last time I felt anything like this. It's been far too long.

Her condition is very serious, and she is on life support, but for some reason, some unexplainable reason, I feel good about this. I have faith that something good is going to happen, and that everything might really work out for her.

Faith and hope have been so absent in my life, it took me until now, Wednesday, to recognize them. My life has been so dark and my outlook even darker. For the first time in a long time, I feel renewed and hopeful.

I am sorry it took such a traumatic, monumental event that has impacted so many for me to realize all of this. I feel bad about that. My counselor assures me this is the way it needed to happen, because my block against life was so strong and hard to break down, it required this type of event for me to see.

I understand it now. I had to stare it in the face. I had to feel immense loss again. And I had to be lifted with hope. My faith had to be renewed. I get it. I am there. While her life hangs in a delicate balance, and the outcome may not be as I wish for her, I am hoping for her with the strongest faith I have had in nearly a year, and that has got to count for something.