I think it's important here to make sure it's very clear that I am happy to have the things in my life and couldn't be more appreciative of a strong, wonderful family and my husband who is also my best friend. I have amazing friends who have done wonders for me that I'm sure most of them don't even fully understand, and I am so blessed to have a job that I enjoy and that I am 100% committed to. These things make me happy, and to think about them brings a smile to my face.
The type of "happiness" I'm talking about is a deeper kind, the kind you feel when all is right with the world and you can think of nothing else in the world you could possible wish for.
Truth be told, I'm not so sure that many people have this kind of happiness in their lives. A true and utter contentment for the way things are with no desire to replace or change them--if we could all be so lucky.
I remember a while ago, my mom and I were getting in her car to go somewhere, and just out of nowhere I told her how happy I was with my friends and school and that I really felt great. "Good," she said, "a lot of people are not that fortunate."
When my mom was going through chemo, she looked at me one day, again this was out of nowhere, and said, "I am such a lucky girl. I have so many people that love me. It's unfortunate it takes something like this to realize it, but I am such a lucky girl." It amazed me how content she was with the world...no hair, a PICC line hanging out of her arm, chemo rushing through her veins. And she felt lucky.
Back to thinking about what would make me really, genuinely happy is this: buying a one-way plane ticket to somewhere, maybe Paris, probably Paris, and going without a time line of any sort. No one would know, and it would be just me by myself. I have come to realize over the last two years without my mom how so much about me has changed and how very different I have become. While there are traits I have developed that I do like about myself now like my will to stand up for myself and the "fire" I have inside me to be myself without putting on a front to others, there are things that have taken a backseat in my life that I miss dearly.
I have hardly any patience for anything, at least compared to what I used to. I have the hardest time making up my mind with huge decisions like taking a new job. My courage is at an all-time low. My self-esteem is, at times, even lower.
I have never felt so much myself and so much least like myself, if that makes any sense. All I want is to be myself and "rediscover" these traits about me that I have lost and figure out how to incorporate the new traits I have found along the way. I feel as though the only way I can achieve this is to find solitude and break myself down and build myself back up. The right way. By myself, so that I do not lean on anyone else for this type of achievement except myself.
With being surrounded by so many supportive, loving people, it may be hard for some to understand why I would want my solitude at a time of such loss and confusion. For this reason: The other answer to what would make me happy is having my mom back in my life. I never have fully realized until just recently how much I depended on my mom for so much: my courage, my self-esteem, my self-worth, my patience. My happiness.
On days like today, there is so much I miss about my mom and so many things I love about her, even her flaws, that I can barely even focus enough to put them all down on paper. I have become angry without her. I have become cynical and untrusting of others. I lose my patience quickly and sometimes it is not for any logical reason. Some days I wake up not wanting to get out of bed or go got work or even talk with anyone, and for no other reason than the simple fact that I don't feel like it.
At the same time, I have grown to become so appreciative of things I have. It takes almost nothing anymore to make me smile. I am easily pleased. I laugh more now than I ever have. I look at the sky and try to figure out which shade of blue it is that day. I love the sound of rain and I don't let anything come in the way, when I am home to enjoy it, to sit down and just simply listen to it hit the window. I can remember nothing but good things about my mom and even the things that drove me crazy like her humming off-key to music on the radio now brings a smile to my face.
I wish so much for one more daytrip to amish country, to visit our favorite stores and shop and laugh and enjoy the day together. I want so badly for it to be a crisp fall Saturday, to wake up in my bedroom next to my parents' room and to jump out of bed excitedly, knowing we were going on a roadtrip together, just her and I. I would love to hear her humming along with the oldies on the radio, off-key and all, while we were traveling to our destination.
Because anything is better than what I have now. She is gone, and I am left with only memories.
I feel as though the one person who would support me more than anyone else in my life to go on a journey, by myself, with a one-way ticket in my hand, is my mom. This is how I picture it: Her picking me up at my house with my suitcase. Her taking me to the airport, the whole time wishing me nothing but luck and good thoughts to "getting better." Her parking the car and actually walking me into the airport, right up to the security line. Her asking me if I have everything I need, as any other mom would do. I would roll my eyes, like any kid would do, and reassure her that I am fine and that I have everything I need. I can see us hugging, knowing how badly we would miss each other but each of us hoping that I would return a better version of myself.
I know she wishes that for me now, even though she is gone. I want so badly to be better for her and for myself and for those around me that love me and miss me. If I can find a way to blend these two very separate versions of me into a form I am happy, truly 100% happy with, I will have won the battle.
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