I'm sorry it's only me

I can't remember who I was talking to about losing my mom, but they had lost their mom as well, and they said something that really stuck with me (although, unfortunately, I can't even remember who said it) : "No matter how many people you have in your life, you always feel lonely without your mom."

This is completely true.

I've been saying it for a while now, how lonely I feel even though I am lucky enough to have many friends, a wonderful husband, and a large family. I still am very sad for my aunts, who had to lose two sisters within six months of each other, and it is incredible how small our "sisters" circle now feels. What once was six is now only four, and it feels monumentally different. Aunt Janny misses my mom a lot, since they had so much in common. Of course she misses Aunt Polly too, but my mom and her were really close. Kind of like me and my mom.

My Aunt Janny is the "baby" of the sisters. My mom used to tell me that she always wanted to be a mom, and when my mom would get her work paychecks, she would buy my Aunt Janny outfits like she was her own baby. My Aunt Janny really misses her, and I'm very sorry that she doesn't have her anymore.

We went out on a date together last night. We went to one of our favorite places, where the owner knows us both. She looked at me last night and asked, "I always see you with your aunts. Where's your mom or dad?" I explained that my mom had passed away from leukemia, and that my aunts and I are very close because our group is now significantly smaller since two of us are gone. The woman said, "Well, you all have to stick together."

My Aunt Janny and I talked about this more in the car after dinner. She talked about how much she missed her sisters and now that my mom is gone, she feels like she has no one to spend time with. Her and my mom had many plans for when they both retired.

My Aunt Janny is retired now.

I was trying very hard not to cry, and even though I am still sad for myself, I just don't think they will ever understand just how sad I am for them. I don't have any sisters, and I can't imagine how sad their hearts are to not have their full circle anymore.

"I'm sorry it's only me, " I said. I know she doesn't feel as though I am second best, but I feel as though I am second best. I am not their age. I don't understand what they understand. I do not have to deal with what they deal with.

She said she feels lonely. Me too.

I wonder sometimes if this void will ever be filled for any of us. My guess is no.

I've noticed I go through ups and downs with missing my mom. It's always in the back of my mind, but some days are harder to deal with than others. My patient at work really triggered something and I have been having a hard time. Although I am starting to come around again.

Luckily, my "rough patches" are much easier to deal with these days and do not last as long or hurt nearly as much.

When I really miss my mom, I hardly ever think about our memories, as many people have suggested for me. This makes me too sad that I can't go back with her. Instead, I think about what my mom and Aunt Polly are doing together in Heaven.

My mom and Aunt Polly really liked the movie Grease, so a lot of the time, I picture them sitting in a 1950s diner sharing a really big vanilla milkshake with a cherry on top. My mom would let my Aunt Polly take the cherry. Elvis is playing on the jukebox and they have poodle skirts on. I don't picture them younger, I picture them as I knew them. Both with hair, both healthy and cancer-free. I can see them talking with all of their friends, who look like the kids in Grease and American Graffiti. (If you haven't seen American Graffiti, I highly recommend it! A non-musical with Ron Howard and Harrison Ford!)

Even though I feel extremely lonely without them, I am glad they have each other and that they are having fun. I know they are together. I just know it.