Missing teeth and a hunchback?!

I have had such a hard day today, and I'm totally caught off guard by it. It came from out of nowhere. I've been fine, really feeling good lately with everything, although my mom has been on my mind more than normal since the holidays are coming soon. Christmas is ten days away, and I'm definitely feeling the massive hole in my life. She is everywhere I turn.

Today I had an uncomfortable discussion with a person in my life that I wish would be more in my life but has created a totally different life for themselves after mom died. And I am feeling the repercussions from it. A lot.

I'm not sure why, but after my mom died, literally within minutes of her last breath, my self-esteem took a serious downward turn. I don't know why. I've never been that person who walks around thinking they can do anything a thousand times better than anyone else, but I at least was confident in myself and comfortable in my own skin to just be me. Since she's been gone, I have felt the complete opposite and almost like I'm not worth anything. Why take vitamins? Why put on makeup? That sort of thing. And as unhealthy as that is, and as much as I know better than this, it's how I feel. And I can't shake it.

I recently went on a birth control shot that severely altered my hormones and left me, all said and done, twenty pounds heavier (despite running two miles nearly everyday when I started taking it) and with horrible adult acne. As if I didn't feel bad enough about myself with the loss of my mom, now I look like this? It's been really tough to be me, and to look at me, and to know that I have no control over what is happening to me. For a perfectionist-dietitian-runner who likes to take care of herself, this has been an extremely huge adjustment, to say the least.

So now, off the shot, while I'm "waiting it out" for the hormones to leave my body and let me be, I am struggling with how terrible I feel about myself combined with my confidence issues I have inherited since losing my mom all rolled together with the approach of Christmas. Holy. Crap.

I don't turn on lights when I walk into a room, I avoid mirrors, I can't fit into my work clothes comfortably, and I am really having a tough time. When I get really down like this, mostly after conversations with that person I wish would make more of an effort to be in my life but does just the opposite...I go into this negative downward spiral. "What's next? Missing teeth and a hunchback?!" Really. That's what goes on in my brain.

How terribly negative. And how disappointing. I barely recognize myself anymore and this person that I've become. Maybe not "become," but the person I currently am. This is not who I wish to end up as, nor is it the person I will become. I won't. I won't let it happen.

But I'm starting to think I can't fix it on my own. Between antibiotic lotion for my face plus an oral antibiotic, working out, eating mostly fruits and vegetables during the day, drinking tons of water, and seeing a counselor...shouldn't something give somewhere along the way?

I guess not. I guess I need something else to help.

I called my Aunt Janny tonight to tell her what happened earlier today and to discuss what I've been struggling with. We have had the same conversation over and over again, but tonight seemed a little more serious. I cried harder than I've cried in a long time, and felt, for the first time in a long time, like I couldn't help myself and I had nowhere to turn. I told her I didn't know what to do for myself.

She was crying and her nose was stuffy. "I don't doe, baby, I just don't doe."

Tonight, I do not feel hopeful. Tonight, I do not feel as though I have any self-worth. Tonight, I feel like I can't move on without my mom. Tonight, all I can picture myself doing tomorrow is laying in bed all day.

This, folks, I believe is called "Depression."

The good thing that comes from all of this is that I felt really good after I talked to my Aunt Janny, and truly, it feels good to get things like this off my chest and to get some reassurance that I'm not doing anything wrong, or feeling anything wrong. These days, I doubt myself quite often.

I work at a nursing home and I love (love, love, love!!!) my residents. I have written about one in particular that melts my heart on a daily basis and I have dubbed her lovingly as "Gunna Gunna." From my previous post you may remember that Gunna Gunna can literally only say the word "Gunna," brought on by a terrible stroke. But she is the most wonderful, most lovable woman and despite her limited means of communication, she says more than most. I just love her to death. With Christmas coming, a "wish list" has been posted of what the residents would like for the holidays, with the expectation that the managers at work will purchase some of them.

What in the world does this have to do with depression, you ask?

Well, I know for me at least, doing something nice for someone else really makes me happy. Gunna Gunna wants a sweater or a glove/hat set for Christmas. You better believe that after a night like tonight, Gunna Gunna is going to get that sweater and her gloves and hat....and a box of Twinkies.