Wait for me, World

Tonight I went for a run for the first time in nearly four weeks. Needless to say, it was extremely challenging, and I felt awful the whole time. My legs hurt, my shoulders hurt, my lungs hurt. My body is so out of shape, which is so disappointing for me to have lost all the progress I had made before this sad-streak took hold. I was running 2.5 miles a day and lifting weights, I felt so good about myself and like I was really taking care of myself. Just doing well in general.

It is amazing how fast things can change. Wham. Five pounds heavier and can barely even run a mile.

But I did. Barely.

I was looking forward to running to release so much from my brain, to listen to music and just lose myself in thoughts and processing. My iPod wouldn't work, and I literally almost cried. I thought, "No. Stop it, this is ridiculous." I felt like I couldn't do it without it. But I really wanted to show myself that I could.

Once I finished, I stretched my stiffness away. I grabbed my hands in front of myself and stretched them above my shoulders, leaning my head back to breathe deep. I opened my eyes and looked up to the sky.

It was beautiful. I haven't seen it in over three weeks.

I have been so dead to the world. Going through the motions of life, a sad life without my support and love that used to fill it. I wasn't looking at anything, seeing anything, just existing. Tonight I realized how much I have been missing. Even simple things like clouds in the sky. I have been missing all of it.

I need to snap out of this. This is very different from before. I can't just snap out of it. When I would go running, or see something beautiful, or write a passage here, I would feel so happy and lifted. I do not feel that way. It is a very different feeling with very different realizations. I feel like I am slowly awakening. Like I was sleeping for a long time while the world just passed me by.

I do not like that idea, and I am sad and disappointed that I let myself get into this situation. I have avoided processing this and realizing this no matter how hard the world tried to force me to face things. I wish this wasn't the situation in which I am now finding myself. I want it to stop and be better. Poof! All better!

Too bad things don't work like that. Life does not work like that. Especially after first losing your aunt to a slow battle with cancer and then losing your mom to a 36-hour struggle against infection with no defense. I knew Aunt Polly was going to die. We all did. We were prepared. We were not prepared for my mom. That was beyond shocking to my system. I never thought I would lose her, not like this, and not this early. I was not ready. I am still not ready.

I wonder if my heart will ever be the same.

At this point, I am trying to focus on the small things and work my way up to the big things. Like...I wonder if my legs will ever be the same? After this neglect of almost a month of not running, of not taking care of myself, will they feel the same again?

Will anything ever feel the same? Regardless of whether or not it ever will, the world will continue. With or without me. I have been absent for some time now. I hope it will wait for me, I want to climb back on.