I am who I am because of you...Happy Mother's Day

Dear Mom,

Today is Mother's Day. I have been dreading this day since last month, and oddly enough, when I first woke up, I was ok with it. But after getting on Facebook to check a couple messages and reading so many dedications to so many mothers, I couldn't help but feel slightly empty...and definitely deprived of something so precious. You. Here, with me, like last year and all the years before.

I have only had two dreams about you and I don't know why. I think about you almost on a constant basis and I wish so much that I could at least see you in my dreams. I like when I have them, even if they scare me or make me sad. That's ok. I miss seeing your face every day of my life, and sometimes, it is so empty without you. Especially today.

I tried to go shopping for graduation by myself, the first big event I will not have you here for. I was really struggling and felt awful about myself that day. Nothing looked right, nothing fit right, everything was wrong. I found a dress I liked but knew it needed something else. In the jewelry section, I definitely found something else--Marilyn. She helped me feel good. She assured me I would look beautiful and that you would be proud of me. Did you send her?

I think you did. Thank you.

Maybe I'm a fool for believing that. Maybe I'm not. But, regardless of what anyone else thinks, I believe it. And I think it is amazing how far your love can stretch. I have always known that you would do anything for me, and I have understood that from a very young age. I have always realized your love and your strength and how badly you wanted to have me. I always knew, and you never had to remind me although I know you liked to every now and then. I always knew, Mom.

Did you know how lucky I felt to have you in my life?

I am not sure, still, after seven months, why this has happened. I do not understand why you were taken from me or why we were no longer meant to be together. And now, there is so much that you will miss.

My final exam of graduate school is Tuesday. My graduation is Saturday. I am not going because it would not feel right. It already doesn't feel right. My graduation party with our family is Saturday night. Adrian and I are getting married soon. And you will not be there, for anything. Everyone says you will "still be there," but to me, without you by my side these events are not whole for me. They are just days. I'm going to try to do my best to make the most out of them for you and for everyone coming to celebrate with me. I will try really hard for you because I know how important these days would have been for us.

Regardless of the fact that you are not here with me any longer, I do believe that you know what is going on in my life and that you are still proud and still happy to be my mom, just like I am still proud and happy to be your daughter. Maybe more now than ever, after I watched you fight harder than you ever knew you could. And even though you are not here to read this message, I still want to deliver it:

I am so thankful to have had you in my life for 23 years, and I am so sorry that the last six months of your life were so hard and so frightening--you did not deserve that. Believe me, although you struggled through your treatments, I struggled far more watching you suffer. And I am still struggling. But you are not, and that is more than I could ever ask for. I am 24 now, and I have lived seven months without you, and now more than I ever, I see how you have impacted my life. With all of the decisions I have had to make and all of the strength I have needed to make them, your logic and thoughtfulness and strength were with me the whole time, and I could not ask for more than to still have your love and guidance surrounding me. You were the most amazing person in my life and my love for you could not be contained and still cannot be. I love you more than I could ever put into words.

You are my love, my strength, my hope, my conscience, my guide, my mother, and now, my angel. Thank you for all you have done for me. I am who I am because of you.