Hallmark sucks

After seeing so many commercials on tv about Mother's Day soon approaching, I can't help but feel a little anxious about this Hallmark holiday, regardless of how Hallmark-ey it is. To me, it is much more this year.

I have slowly been anticipating Mother's Day since the first commercial advertising jewelry. And then another advertising shoes. And then another for clothes. Is this really what we have come to? Not only does our society market mothers in a cookie-cutter way by creating tens of thousands of generic greeting cards, but also takes advantage of making the big bucks by advertising more of the same junk that we give our mothers every year. Here Mom, I got you another set of slippers. Happy Mother's Day. Here's a Hallmark greeting card with a generic message that I did not write myself but that I hope you will like. It took me three minutes to pick it out today at Walmart.

Sometimes, sadly, it takes events like looking at your mom laying in a hospital bed with an IV pole attached to her arm to realize that this is not the way Mother's Day should be celebrated. Just one look at that bald little head and those big blue eyes told me to go another route. I bought blank cards, and I wrote a note to her that was special for the two of us, telling her how much I loved her and how much I wanted her to stay with me...that she couldn't leave me yet. I wanted her to know how much I loved having her in my life and what I wouldn't give to keep her in it. I painted her a picture of two angels, one taller than the other with her arms around the smaller one. They were looking at each other. You could tell how much they loved each other, and I gave it to her as her present. She kept it by her jewelry box on her dresser so she could always see it.

We buried her with it. I wanted her to always have it.

My heart aches some days more than others, and I am dreading having to even be conscious on Mother's Day. I have not felt this way about any other day so far. And it may turn out to be fine, but for right now, I feel like it will be the hardest, even over Christmas or my birthday. I already want to hide.

I was in Target with my friend Sara last week, and there is a huge display of Mother's Day cards. We stopped and looked at a few and picked out a really great one for her mom. Several days before, I picked some out for my aunts, but not actual Mother's Day cards. They're from the section that says "For Someone Special" instead of one that is actually for your mom. I got three, one for each of them, because even though they are not my mom, they have tried very hard to make things ok without her.

I started looking at some of the cards if I were to pick one out for my mom, and I gravitated towards the little-kid-cards, the ones with goofy dogs on them that said something like, "Thanks for all the things you do, and thanks for being my mom." I liked those best. I cried. A lot, actually, and I couldn't get a hold of myself for a couple minutes.

Instead of buying any cards, I got two Nerf guns for Adrian and I to play with in our new apartment. It made me feel better to get him something, and I put a big red bow on his and put it on his pillow so he would be surprised when he got home from work. It healed my heart for a little while to see him so happy just by receiving something so silly like a $5 Nerf gun.

I have noticed lately that my heart only feels better for a little while instead of longer periods of time like it used to. Maybe this all will pass when Mother's Day has come and gone. By the way, it's not even May yet.

I haven't painted in a really long time, mostly because I can't think of anything creative to do anymore. I know I am not myself anymore, and a lot of my heart is gone with hers. I have decided, though, that I am going to paint her a picture, even if I can't actually give it to her. Which is not fair. But will have to do for now, because I have no other choice in the matter.