Surprised? No, not at all.

It has been so long since I have written that I'm not even really sure what my last post was about. A lot of things have happened since then. I moved out of my house and into an apartment with my fiance, which was a whirlwind, and a little unexpected, but nevertheless, it is done. And, after some getting used to, I really enjoy it and have realized how much I have missed myself, if that makes any sense. I have spent a lot of time by myself because Adrian works so much, working nearly 60 hours in the six days after we moved in. It has been nice decorating, organizing, looking through old boxes, doing laundry, and sometimes just sitting and being quiet. I do not feel cluttered or lost anymore. I still am on the search for a job, and I am wondering if I was not meant to have a job during this time in my life. I am starting to be convinced that I am just meant to finally relax, regain myself, work on my thesis, focus on my last biochemistry class, and enjoy myself in my new space with my best friend. Maybe I am supposed to be home, to start to really feel right again. And I am starting to feel right again.

So many posts I have written in the past saying things like "I'm starting to feel better," when all along, it was mostly just a load of shit, just trying to convince myself that I was really feeling better again. I know now, since I am in a healthier environment, away from home and memories, somewhere where I can start fresh, that I really am starting to feel better. I feel different. It is not forced. And I will not allow it to be forced. I still have sad days, especially when I am by myself and I let my mind wander. But for the most part, I feel as though my feet are becoming more solid underneath me.

So, this next bit of information, I'm sure, will diminish it slightly. A few days ago, Adrian and I went over to Aunt Janny's house for dinner. We were all finished and cleaning off the table, and I reached for my plate, and she said, "Why don't you hang on just a minute." She pulled out the chair beside me and sat down. I stood there, very still, knowing what was coming. I have had many moments like this in my life, especially in the last year. "Come sit down by me, we have to talk about something." I didn't move, I stood there looking at her, wondering what it was she had to tell me that required me to sit down.

"Are you going to ruin my life?" I asked her. "Is this going to make me cry?"

"It might," she said. "Aunt Becky had to go get an MRI, just a routine thing they're trying now for people with a history like ours. They found something. It's early, there's only one spot. But just because of our family history, they're going to do a double mastectomy and maybe even take her ovaries depending on some more test results. She'll need chemo, and maybe radiation too, but they're not sure yet."

Surprisingly, I did not cry. It did not ruin my life. I just sat there. I almost felt nothing. Almost. But I did feel a little something. No surprise at all. This type of news, this type of situation, is so standard for our family, I was not the least bit surprised. Mostly numb.

I asked a lot of questions, and we formulated a plan to drive to Indiana, where she lives, the day before her surgery, which is less than a week away. We are going to cook and and take care of her family while she recovers, and since we are veterans at this type of thing, we are going to try to make things a little more "normal" and "comfortable" at their house. My Uncle Sam and my cousin Sammie have not really had to deal with anything like this before, luckily, as they live in Indiana. They could see Aunt Becky suffering from the stress and then loss of two of her sisters, but living at a distance helped them stay far enough away to really experience it. So, Aunt Janny and I will hopefully be able to ease some stress and let them recuperate after this type of news, while we do all of the daily chores and things like that. After news like that, a brain and a heart need to stop and let it sink in, not worry about small details like cooking and cleaning and grocery shopping. My Aunt Rita is in Florida for the winter, and Aunt Becky has convinced her she needs to stay there and relax as best she can. We'll see if that works.

My cousin, Aunt Becky's daughter, Theresa, is a marine and spending her third tour in Afghanistan. She is due to come home very soon, possibly the day of Aunt Becky's surgery. Theresa does not know yet.

I am finding that instead of stress eating or working out or laying in bed depressed and nonfunctional, I stress bake. This is new for me, and I'm not sure if it is a truly new development or if I have always had this type of defense mechanism but could never put it to good use since I didn't live in my own house. Since I have found out, I have made pierogie casserole, apple cinnamon muffins, spinach dip, peanut butter cookies, curry cheese crackers, cucumber raita, seafood stew, whole wheat bread, a fruit tea loaf, and the "Red Lobster" garlic cheese biscuits. I cannot stop. I need help.

Thank God for Adrian's co-workers, his appetite, and my freezer. We will get through this.