A short visit

Last night, after writing my last post, I had a dream about my mom. And instead of it being frightening and awful, I am happy to announce that it was one of the most glorious dreams I have ever had in my life. Of course, after you have a dream like that, you feel a tiny pang of "I can't believe that wasn't real" when you wake up, but nevertheless, it was there.

I was in the mausoleum her ashes are buried in, and I was looking at the wall with her name on it very closely. I turned around for a second and when I turned back, all of the places holding ashes were gone, only leaving open spaces in the wall. The individual letters making up all the names had vanished. I felt ashamed, thinking I did something wrong. I got up from the bench I was sitting on, getting ready to go tell the manager of the cemetery what I had done, and my mom walked hurriedly into the front door of the mausoleum. She had her blond hair back (she usually is bald in my dreams), and she was thin, from before she got sick, working so hard all on her own to lose the weight. She was wearing a pink sweater I remember from when I was really young and a pair of light jeans and white tennis shoes. Her eyes darted from side to side as though she was looking for someone. I noticed her right away, and my heart began to pound the way it does when you think you see someone that has died while you're grocery shopping or getting gas. At least, when I catch glimpses of people I think look like my aunt Polly or my mom or other people that are now gone, that's what happens to me. I remember thinking as I was watching her that I knew it couldn't really be her, but it looked exactly like her, and I was scared.

"Mom?" I yelled. She turned around, and instant relief immediately came over her face. She dropped her arms and let out a sigh and rushed over towards me with her arms out to hug me. It really was her. We hugged for a long time. "Is it really you?" I asked her. She said, "Of course it is," as she patted me on my back. "I just missed you so much, I had to come see you." She told me she knew I needed her. And it was exactly what I needed.

We just stood there for a long time, and then we let go of each other except I kept a hold of her shoulders and looked her up and down. "You look so good!" I told her. I was always her biggest fan, especially when she was working so hard to lose her extra weight. She smiled and looked a little embarrassed, never liking to be the center of attention. We hugged again, and she rested her head on my shoulder for a long time. "I miss you so much," she said, muffled, into my cheek.

In this dream, she didn't die. I didn't have a looming feeling of knowing it was coming. It was just pure bliss, being able to be with her, not having to worry that she was going away. While we were hugging, I woke up.

I closed my eyes really tight and covered my head with my blanket, hoping to convince my brain to send me off to sleep again so I could pick up where I left off. That never happened. I am, of course, saddened by the fact that that was only a dream, but I am so happy I finally had one like that.

I can't help but wonder that sometimes they are so in tune with us up in Heaven that they know what we need, and as they become more comfortable up there, they can control how they are perceived. Maybe she knew how much I missed her and how lonely I've been without her in my life, the kind of loneliness you can only feel when your mom is gone. Maybe she misses me as much as I miss her, and she really wanted to see me. Who knows. These are questions that will unfortunately never be answered, but they are nice thoughts. I have not visited her grave since my aunts and I left her flowers during Christmas, so maybe it was a sign I need to stop by. Maybe I will feel her while I'm there.

I think it is fascinating that while she was still alive, she somehow always knew exactly what I needed. Up in Heaven, it doesn't appear to be any different for her and I. As I sit here writing this, I am flooded with emotions, wiping tears from my face. Just the thought of her missing me like I miss her breaks my heart. I just want her to be happy and released. But I like the idea of being able to visit from time to time. I guess my thought of "on days I miss her the most, those are the days she is closest to me" wasn't that far off.