Birthday Wishes to the Heavens

I cannot describe the way your body feels when you first read your mother's name in the obituary section. I guess it's a mix of disbelief, regret, anger, sadness, shock, and my heart, or what's left of it, fell all the way down to my feet and onto my bedroom floor. I will never, ever understand the "how" or "why" or "what" of this situation.

For the past two days, I have stayed up in the Cleveland house with my boyfriend, which has been such a reprieve from all of this. In fact, several times I thought to myself, "You know, I might actually be doing OK." He's so supportive, and so gentle, and patient, and kind. He let me cry and yell and be angry and stare into nothing. He bought tons of food, just to try to get me to eat something. He bought me paint and some canvases and brushes and a case to put it all in, since he knows I love to paint so much. He would do anything for me, to get me through this, and to support my entire family as well. In fact, he slept next to all of us in the hospital waiting room, just like a part of our family, by everyone's side. I am truly amazed and honored to have such a wonderful, wonderful person in my life. Many times these last two days I really thought that I might be feeling comfortable.

But I came home this morning. Today is her birthday. I have whispered "Happy Birthday" to her several times already today. My aunt Pat, my dad's sister, called the house to say she really liked the obituary (which was in the paper today) that I wrote for my mom. I had completely forgotten that it was in the paper. So I checked. How weird, how surreal to see her name in the list of people that our local area has lost. I think I am still shell-shocked. Rocked, to the core.

This afternoon we had an appointment with the Father who presided over my aunt Polly's service, because my mom really liked him, Father Tom, and she thought very highly of him. Of course, it was only appropriate that he preside over her service as well, seeing as he got to know her quite well during my aunt Polly's battle. We discussed many things, including her end, memories, the way we wanted the service handled, and important values and amazing qualities she had. I warned him that we were doing a Halloween/Fall theme, and the that the centerpiece will be a witch's hat with a flower arrangement. Aunt Janny wanted me to warn him because of "all that Harry Potter business" a few years ago. He smiled, and acknowledged that her favorite time of year was Fall, especially Halloween.

Today, when Adrian and I were driving home from Cleveland, we passed through a very scenic part of 271 South. There are trees as far as the eye can see, almost like you're in the mountains, and because of the time of year, the leaves are turning deep reds and yellows and oranges with some forgotten patches of green still lingering. I noticed the colors, the smell of Fall, how the sun warmed my skin through the glass, and I actually smiled, knowing that she was seeing the same view, only from a different direction. I hope she is settling in alright.